Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict -- alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence. - Dorothy Thompson
I have always believed that peace is always attainable and conflicts are merely obstacles that can be overcome, including the following:
Madam Chan, has four children: Mark, Ian, Rita and James. James and Rita are single and stay with Madam Chan. Their older brothers would visit them every weekend for dinner.
Recently, Madam Chan was diagnosed with stroke. Rita stopped working to look after her ever since. Before this, Mark’s wife, Mary, was the one looking after her. Rita begins to give Mary the cold shoulder, convinced that Mary is shoving all the responsibilities to her.
Rita is also unhappy that James pays for Madam Chan’s medical expenses alone. Ian and Mark intend to contribute but couldn’t afford to. Ian has retired with two unemployed children. Mark is a civil servant with three children who are still schooling. Their wives, Zoe and Mary, are housewives.
Ian and Rita accused Mark and Mary of being stingy and irresponsible. Mark has not been on talking terms with her ever since. Now, the family fails to gather like they used to.
James is worried that the conflict might affect and worsen Madam Chan’s conditions. What should James do?
The closer one is to someone, the more severe their conflict can be. Therefore, it is important to avoid getting ourselves near to such situations.
The scenario depicted is as complicated as how family conflicts can get. As a reader, the involvement of many individuals was mind boggling! But kudos to your illustration as it helped me associate the individuals to their nucleus family.
ReplyDeleteWe choose our friends. In face of interpersonal conflict, we can conveniently choose the way of escapism – to avoid difficult situations. On the contrary, we want to manage conflicts to preserve familial relationships and excommunication is not an option. Once the parties stop talking, misunderstandings will persist and they would harbor deeply-rooted grudges.
I personally feel that the challenges of single hood and family life differ. An honest discussion of their individual concerns and predicament would help. The focus should be on common things they value – things like kinship and their mother’s well being. This sibling conflict could be resolved amicably by first listening, prioritizing the common things that truly matter and considering others before self.
Hi Siti,
ReplyDeleteI like the quote that you gave in the first paragraph. It basically summaries the key of resolving conflict: be assertive, empathetic, versatile and affirmative during conflict negotiation so that a win-win situation arises. However, it always looks easier on paper than reality. A real life complex conflict will require the additional element of patience as some of these issues cannot be resolved overnight.
The example that you provided is an excellent illustration of a conflict that requires a lot of patience and effort to resolve. To start off, James can call for a family meeting over dinner for everyone to voice their concerns. Being the “moderator”, James must stay clear-headed and try to “calm down” everyone when the discussion gets too intense. James can constantly remind the family that their goal is to come up with a solution that is in the best interest of their mother and it should not turn up to be a finger-pointing session. After they have gathered the best few alternatives, they should predict the consequence of each action. Some family members might need time to think through issues arising from the meeting and a few family meetings maybe required. However, the problem cannot be left unsolved for too long.
Chin Min
Hi Siti,
ReplyDeleteI like your use of an illustration, it really helps to keep things clear and simple though it is a rather complex situation.
To me, this is a situation which is complex, but yet quite common in Singapore, especially in an aging population. I would hesitate to come up with a definite solution like: "All 4 children should foot an equal part of the bill", or "Rita should not be the only person looking after Madam Chan", because there are so many considerations to be had with respect to each other.
Instead, all I can advise is that each person be considerate of each other's position, to place themselves in the other's shoes and understand why they are not able to contribute, or why they are not happy with the situation. I believe that if everyone is genuinely interested in compromising and in helping each other, they would be able to come up with a solution by themselves.
Hello all,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your advice. Currently, the situation has yet been overcome. I'm still witnessing the drama. =). Surely all these points are good and I guess it will be taken into consideration by the relevant parties. Unfortuantely, being a member of a family which treasures filial piety, it is rather difficult to give advice to our elders without offending them.